i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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