M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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