So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
