I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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