I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
