I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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