I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
