We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
