Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
nutella sex= disaster
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
