We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
