watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
