you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
