Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
