literally had 100 drinks last night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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