I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
