So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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