Just fell off a train. Bad.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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