my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
