Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
