I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
