I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
