I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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