Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
