i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
