Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
