we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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