I could make wine with my vomit
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
