Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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