i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
