don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
