Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
