I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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