return my video game
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
