I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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