I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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