Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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