yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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