Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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