he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She's the barista slut.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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