i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
