i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
