i think my mom watched the whole time
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
