I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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