Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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