anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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