he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
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