i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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