conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
