The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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