cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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