my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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