Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
