All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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