well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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