i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
