he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
