Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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