Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
